Email 1/16/12

Hello!!

Well this week wasn't as eventful I can't particularly think of amazing things or funny things that happened. I felt more like I was the one learning this week. Maybe I will just write about that. So when I came back to Tempe I was so excited because of all the people we are teaching and the people that I love here but I'm starting to see that's not why I'm back. I think I'm here for this companionship. Which is super difficult.  I'm going to explain what is happening and not use names...So being in a trio isn't necessarily the hard part. One companion is super easy and fun and we have a blast. The hard part is the other companion who really doesn't want to be on a mission at all and hates every second of it, doesn't want to work, and is having lots of mental issues and anger fits. It’s an emotional rollercoaster everyday every hour.  Right after transfer meeting President pulled me in his office and explained about this companion a lot of stuff I had already heard from her previous companions. He's worried about her being mentally stable enough to be here and he's worried because she's killed all of her companions and just drains the life out of them. He wants her to stay on a mission so she can overcome herself here but at the same time he is concerned because she hinders the work. I honestly don't understand why she's here and how she's stayed here on the mission so long because she clearly tells us that she hates it and is miserable but doesn't want to go home. We feel like every thing she says and does is 100% irrational and I can't keep up. She goes to a family services counselor once a week and talks it out whether she should stay or go home. The counselor is trying to help her change manipulative behavior. So for the last 10 minutes of her counseling session the other companion and I have to go in and the counselor gives us assignments to help her that week. It's exhausting. I'm so thankful I have another companion I would die if it was just the sister that is struggling and me. The sister won’t teach in lessons or participate she's kind of just a body we bring around with us that attacks and breaks down a lot. It's HARD. Everyday the normal companion and I have to make a game plan on how the heck we are going to get through that day and how we can help her. How do you help someone love the mission if they aren't willing to work? If they don't love the people? I've kind of been at a lost because I don't know how to teach "love". Half the time I find myself frustrated and just ready to give up and tell Pres to send her home. But then that kills me because I want her to overcome this. I want her to love her mission the way that I have loved mine. It's breaks my heart that she’s lost a year of her mission sulking in her problems and choosing to be miserable and hasn't learned from this amazing experience. I want to help but I don't know how.

So here is what I am in the process of learning. The other morning going into personal study I was already frustrated with her. Then I opened the Book of Mormon to the part where I am and I got completely chewed out (scripturally. Is that a word?) Which was in Mosiah 4 and 5 I think. Basically I felt like the Lord was saying that I know about the Atonement and I know it applies to everyone and he's given me a strong testimony and experience with it so that I can help this sister use it and understand it...so how dare I get frustrated. "If you believe in all these things see that ye do them" SO I’m in the process of repenting. Like everyday multiple times a day when I get frustrated and I have 0 patience left. So this week when the counselor pulled us into the session for the last few minutes she talked about how we should be thankful to be this sisters companion because she is helping us learn Christ like attributes like LONGSUFFERING and BENEVOLANCE...The first thought when she said that was that learning Longsuffering sounds absolutely horrible and I would like to pass on learning that right now on top of all the normal stresses of missionary work. So after the Lord humbled me about 56 times I decided to study and try to learn stinking longsuffering and benevolence, which I realized I had no idea what either of them were. I feel like I've learned a lot this week and been pushed to my limit. but I feel like my limit is growing..Slowly.I'm thankful I have the other companion because we can help each other out when the other one is going to snap. Also I'm thankful I have someone who wants to be here and love being here and is happy and will teach with me. It balances out al the negativity. It's really easy to love the one companion she's so fun and awesome, the other I’m learning to love. I've been SO blessed my whole mission with companions so i guess it's kind of my turn. I'm learning that "love" is an action word and it takes effort sometimes to love someone and teach them to love others. I can't say I'm a representative of Jesus Christ and not have Christ like attributes or be willing to learn them. It's hard and I feel like I'm being stretched way out of my comfort zone, but overall I'm thankful the Lord loves me enough to teach me and humble me. Also in my scriptures this morning I found a quote I put in there a long time ago from Holland that says " When we are pushed, stung, defeated, embarrassed, hurt, rejected, tormented, forgotten- when we are in the agony of spirit crying "why me?" We are in the position to learn something"....

SO I’m learning lots. And meanwhile loving the work:) I really have had and am continuing to have an amazing mission. I really can't picture my life without this experience. So many times we take ourselves too serious as missionaries and we worry about numbers and baptisms and all these things and we forget whose work it really is and how divine and perfect his plan is. That while we are busy teaching others, He is really teaching us and shaping us into who he needs us to be. The gospel is amazing and perfect and I know this is His work and I’m getting really bummed it is coming to an end. Well kind of…in a way it never ends...but still..

I love you!!