Email 1/23/12

Writing emails is hard...just so you know...It's extremely hard to sum up everything...

SOO this week something is wrong with me and I keep breaking down randomly in lessons and I become a crying mess for no stinking reason just because I feel the spirit or the investigator says something so amazing and I think "I’ll never feel this way again" and my stomach just drops and I feel sick. This last little stretch of the mission is a lot more of a heartache than I was expecting. It's going by way too fast. I don't like it.

There were lots of good things that happened this week.

First of all- The “G” kids “W” and “A” were baptized. What a miracle after everything we went through with their family and all the fights between the parents. It’s so amazing to see that our prayers were answered and the mom's heart was softened. It was a beautiful baptism and it was fun to go back and visit:)

I think that was my last baptism:( All of our investigators on date fell completely off track :( Which has been absolutely heart breaking. We were supposed to have a wedding and baptism this weekend for this woman we are teaching and she was so excited to get married and baptized and we had everything all planned and then she called us the other day and her husband changed his mind and doesn't want to marry her...They have 3 little children together and have been together since they were 15. But he doesn't want to "be committed"...I love a lot of these guys but some of them just make me sick...So now she can't get baptized because obviously they live together...SUPER FRUSTRATING.

“P” isn't getting baptized either. Which breaks my heart more than anything. He's probably my favorite investigator of my whole mission. He's great and has a solid testimony, he's so fun and outgoing...but lately he's just lost that fire that he had and isn't even trying to stop smoking anymore and is just all "why me?" and we can't get him to snap out of it. He’s not keeping any of his commitments and he's become lazy. He's had so much opposition and he just isn't fighting back anymore and we are all out of ideas. We’ve tried everything. But if investigators aren't doing their part we can't do all of it for them.  I wish I could just do it for him and make him snap out of it and just stop being stupid. JUST STOP SMOKING. I hate agency sometimes. I think we are going to drop him this week...I hate hate hate dropping...especially when I love them and they have so much potential...but I think we need to. Dropping is totally like a break up. But a hundred times worse. Ugh.

But blessings come when we drop people...like we find new investigators like “E”!!!

LOVE this new gator. He's fantastic. SOO back when I was in this area over the summer we ran into “E” on the street and he told us he was interested and wanted to meet with us. We set up like 10 lessons and all fell through and he was never there when he said he would be so we stopped trying with him...So last week we were visiting someone in his same apartment complex and that lesson fell through so we were walking around and I recognized his apartment so we went and knocked it...He was so excited and told us he really did want to meet with us so we set up another lesson to meet at the church...He actually came this time! HE'S GOLDEN. It's fun being in this area so long and seeing what time can do and how some of the people we've tried almost a year ago are starting to be more prepared now. “E” is so stinking cool I love him. He's so sincere and is seeking and just has a hunger and thirst to learn more. He's full of golden questions it's so fun teaching him. When we taught him the Restoration and we were talking about how we have a prophet on the earth today he got SO excited and just kept saying, "I didn't know that? Really?! I didn't know!!" and he kept bringing up how amazing it is that we have a prophet today! It just strengthened my testimony of how cool is really is that we have a prophet today. We went to the visitors center/ Temple last night with him and a few other investigators and members in the ward and it was really fun. “E” just kept saying how he wants to go into the Temple and how peaceful he felt.  He's just awesome and a breath of fresh air after everything going wrong with everyone else we are teaching. Heavenly Father's timing is always perfect he knows when we're bummed and he always places someone perfectly in our path the same day.

We had a sister's training this week that was so much fun. We went to the Temple with all 23 sisters in the mission. The whole time I just kept thinking how badly I want my investigators to go through the Temple and feel and see and hear the same things and how much it would change their lives. It gave me motivation to work harder to get them and recent converts there.  It was also fun to see sisters from old areas and old companions and to catch up in the temple. The rest of the night was fun with Sister H. She's the best mission president’s wife and always finds excuses for the sisters to get together. We’re spoiled. She made us shirts that are funny with a little sister missionary on a bike and it says, "Many are called but few are ATM (Arizona Tempe Mission) sisters.

SO a couple weeks ago we started having Family Home Evening with all these single lonely men in the ward/men that don't have their families here and are lonely and we got them all together and have started helping them make friends with each other and have better influences. It has been SO MUCH FUN. I love Monday nights a lot now. We have like 10 men coming consistently. They all are so different and have different stories and backgrounds but it's fun to see them all interact and share their excitement about the gospel since all of them are recent converts of the last year in the ward. Oh and one of our investigators goes too which is fun. It's funny because they all love eating and have a passion for Mexican food so it turns into this giant feast. We tell them they don't have to bring food just a small snack...but they don't listen. We have a short message and play a game. The game part has been absolutely hilarious. These guys are not athletic at all...whatsoever...well except with soccer. We played volleyball one week and basketball this last week and I was dying laughing. They made me feel like Michael Jordan and I really really really suck at basketball but they make basketball look soo hard. They shoot a basketball like you throw a soccer ball... Funniest game of lighting ever. It's so good to see them all laughing and having fun though because so many of them have such hard and depressing lives and are extremely lonely. All week long they all have been saying they look forward to Family Home Evening now haha.

okay that's pretty much what happened...

I LOVE YOU.

oh and ummm write more letters!  I'M STILL HERE!

Email 1/16/12

Hello!!

Well this week wasn't as eventful I can't particularly think of amazing things or funny things that happened. I felt more like I was the one learning this week. Maybe I will just write about that. So when I came back to Tempe I was so excited because of all the people we are teaching and the people that I love here but I'm starting to see that's not why I'm back. I think I'm here for this companionship. Which is super difficult.  I'm going to explain what is happening and not use names...So being in a trio isn't necessarily the hard part. One companion is super easy and fun and we have a blast. The hard part is the other companion who really doesn't want to be on a mission at all and hates every second of it, doesn't want to work, and is having lots of mental issues and anger fits. It’s an emotional rollercoaster everyday every hour.  Right after transfer meeting President pulled me in his office and explained about this companion a lot of stuff I had already heard from her previous companions. He's worried about her being mentally stable enough to be here and he's worried because she's killed all of her companions and just drains the life out of them. He wants her to stay on a mission so she can overcome herself here but at the same time he is concerned because she hinders the work. I honestly don't understand why she's here and how she's stayed here on the mission so long because she clearly tells us that she hates it and is miserable but doesn't want to go home. We feel like every thing she says and does is 100% irrational and I can't keep up. She goes to a family services counselor once a week and talks it out whether she should stay or go home. The counselor is trying to help her change manipulative behavior. So for the last 10 minutes of her counseling session the other companion and I have to go in and the counselor gives us assignments to help her that week. It's exhausting. I'm so thankful I have another companion I would die if it was just the sister that is struggling and me. The sister won’t teach in lessons or participate she's kind of just a body we bring around with us that attacks and breaks down a lot. It's HARD. Everyday the normal companion and I have to make a game plan on how the heck we are going to get through that day and how we can help her. How do you help someone love the mission if they aren't willing to work? If they don't love the people? I've kind of been at a lost because I don't know how to teach "love". Half the time I find myself frustrated and just ready to give up and tell Pres to send her home. But then that kills me because I want her to overcome this. I want her to love her mission the way that I have loved mine. It's breaks my heart that she’s lost a year of her mission sulking in her problems and choosing to be miserable and hasn't learned from this amazing experience. I want to help but I don't know how.

So here is what I am in the process of learning. The other morning going into personal study I was already frustrated with her. Then I opened the Book of Mormon to the part where I am and I got completely chewed out (scripturally. Is that a word?) Which was in Mosiah 4 and 5 I think. Basically I felt like the Lord was saying that I know about the Atonement and I know it applies to everyone and he's given me a strong testimony and experience with it so that I can help this sister use it and understand it...so how dare I get frustrated. "If you believe in all these things see that ye do them" SO I’m in the process of repenting. Like everyday multiple times a day when I get frustrated and I have 0 patience left. So this week when the counselor pulled us into the session for the last few minutes she talked about how we should be thankful to be this sisters companion because she is helping us learn Christ like attributes like LONGSUFFERING and BENEVOLANCE...The first thought when she said that was that learning Longsuffering sounds absolutely horrible and I would like to pass on learning that right now on top of all the normal stresses of missionary work. So after the Lord humbled me about 56 times I decided to study and try to learn stinking longsuffering and benevolence, which I realized I had no idea what either of them were. I feel like I've learned a lot this week and been pushed to my limit. but I feel like my limit is growing..Slowly.I'm thankful I have the other companion because we can help each other out when the other one is going to snap. Also I'm thankful I have someone who wants to be here and love being here and is happy and will teach with me. It balances out al the negativity. It's really easy to love the one companion she's so fun and awesome, the other I’m learning to love. I've been SO blessed my whole mission with companions so i guess it's kind of my turn. I'm learning that "love" is an action word and it takes effort sometimes to love someone and teach them to love others. I can't say I'm a representative of Jesus Christ and not have Christ like attributes or be willing to learn them. It's hard and I feel like I'm being stretched way out of my comfort zone, but overall I'm thankful the Lord loves me enough to teach me and humble me. Also in my scriptures this morning I found a quote I put in there a long time ago from Holland that says " When we are pushed, stung, defeated, embarrassed, hurt, rejected, tormented, forgotten- when we are in the agony of spirit crying "why me?" We are in the position to learn something"....

SO I’m learning lots. And meanwhile loving the work:) I really have had and am continuing to have an amazing mission. I really can't picture my life without this experience. So many times we take ourselves too serious as missionaries and we worry about numbers and baptisms and all these things and we forget whose work it really is and how divine and perfect his plan is. That while we are busy teaching others, He is really teaching us and shaping us into who he needs us to be. The gospel is amazing and perfect and I know this is His work and I’m getting really bummed it is coming to an end. Well kind of…in a way it never ends...but still..

I love you!!